Facts From the Stacks

2009-06-19T17:47:00.004-04:00

Television Programs From Around the Globe

I'm a Murderer, She Confessed -United States
Mime Shaft - France/Algeria
That's Blasphemous! - Iran
Fatherly Leader Knows Best - North Korea
The Duke of Patty Show - Great Britain
Sing Along With Wilhelm - East Germany
Rin Tin in a Tin - South Korea
The Dukes of La Pazz -Bolivia
Lappy Days - Finland

Source : Booke, Rita. TeeVee Guide's Big Guide o' TeeVee, 1998.

2009-06-19T17:31:00.003-04:00

A wave of mysterious deforestation has been occurring in the Northsouth over the last decade. Investigators from the Department of Agriculture have only recently discovered that carpenter ants have mutated to better adapt to their environment. Due to more effective chemical sprays used in buildings, the ants have been forced into the nations forests. The changes have been remarkable.

The hardy insects have begun to use tools to gather their meals and wear clothing. "This is a highly evolved and destructive civilization" remarked Professor Ann Tennor, "but people need not worry. While the ants have attempted to build cities, they always get hungry in the middle of the night and end up eating them."

Source : Teeter, Anne. "Mutant Ant Can't Supplant" Exoskeleton Quarterly, Summer 2009.

2009-04-30T15:05:00.004-04:00

It was 1939 when Timely Magazine first sponsored their now-famous Homeliest Couple in America contest. In those conservative times the event was considered quite controversial. Religious leaders felt it was mocking their various gods, in whose image the human race was created. The opposition eventually crumbled when each clergyman began arguing the unattractive contestants resembled the other's gods. Timely was thrilled with all the free publicity and awarded the first ever Homelycoming Crowns to Pete Zahutt and Jill Tidd. The King and Queen each won $50 and had their pictures not published in the magazine's annual swimsuit issue.

Source : Vore, Herb E. "70 Years of Homely Fun" Timely Magazine, April 3, 2009

2009-04-30T14:46:00.002-04:00

General Paul Troon (1733-1804) was the only American soldier to survive the deadly Battle of Fanny Hill. He was hailed as a great hero upon his return to Boston. Recent scholarly research has discovered that he in fact betrayed his men to the British and hid behind a tree during the subsequent massacre. After the war he became wealthy when he wrote a best selling book on battle. In 2005, officials in several New England states moved monuments honoring the general behind various foliage. General Troon was also officially declared a lying scumbag by the Massachusetts legislature.

Source : Whigg, Whalter. Calling the Kettle Black, 2008.

2009-03-25T16:49:00.005-04:00

In 1928 the small farming town of Mortling, Alabama was overrun by hundreds of thousands of gophers. A desperate populace exterminated the swarm of rodents with explosives and poison. This combination of weapons was the catalyst for an unforeseen situation. While the explosives killed all the fuzzy rodents, the poison caused mutations and made a fair percentage return from the dead. Zombie gophers have plagued the area ever since. The ghoulish animals feast used to feed on the flesh of livestock. Since the 1970s they have just lurched around the parking lot of the town's KFC.

Source : Tolstoy, Leo. "Ghoulish Gophers Go Ga-Ga" Pravda, October 29, 1940.

2009-03-25T16:35:00.003-04:00

Archaeologists excavating in the Middle East have unearthed a new biblical scroll. According to scholars who have seen the artifact, it will add greatly to a more complete understanding of certain religious matters. One of the most startling is the revelation that Jonah was a duck. A mallard of some sort.

Source : Cular, Pia. For Goodness Sake, He's a Drake, 2009.

2009-03-12T16:23:00.004-04:00

Carbonated beverages have been found to have many previously unrealized health benefits. A scientific report released yesterday revealed that drinking soda cures and/or prevents a number of major illnesses. A daily glass of root beer dropped rates of koro by nearly half. Mange sufferers should both drink and bathe in orange soda at least three times a week. Suffer from Jumping Frenchmen of Maine Disorder? Birch Beer every day will keep you grounded. Diet sodas, on the other hand, transmit the taste of death itself and will lead to an early grave.

Source : Seltzer, Alfred K. "Fizzy Drink Health Link" Carbon Nation, March 2009.

2009-03-06T14:22:00.002-05:00

Olives are used as currency on the remote island nation of Drupe. Black olives are valued more than green ones, especially if the latter contains a pimento. Pitted olives of either kind are worth more than those containing pits. The Drupe Stock Market trades daily and is known for it's delicious exchange rate with the Yen, Euro, and the Little Tiny Pickle.

Source : Birr, Kip. "Endocarp Economics", Business Weak, October 2007.

2009-03-06T14:08:00.006-05:00

Odd hats were a sign of sexuality in the Victorian era. The custom was more ludicrous the hat, the more adventurous the wearer. In that repressed time it was a way for more amorous citizens to express themselves and attract suitors. The trend faded from popularity after the First World War, when hair washing and public promiscuity became more commonplace. Plus, people realized such hats were not in fact attractive.

Source : Fe, Dora. Wanton a Hat : Victorian Headwear and Social Order, 1983.

2009-02-13T16:37:00.009-05:00

The British inventor Edward Ian Age (1852-1907) is credited with creating the traditional Nasty British Lunch. What is not as well known is that he went quite mad in his later years and was often seen ingesting anything within his reach. In the summertime he was often seen in Russell Square chewing on an ivory hand fan. American tourists often approached him in hopes obtaining advice on where to dine.

Source : Chip O'Lata. Boil It! : A History of British Cooking, 1988.

2008-11-14T21:14:00.002-05:00

Cat Food Flavors For Real Cats!

Small Flightless Bird
Tormented Mouse
Lip-Smackin' Spiders
Unguarded Thawing Hamburger
Table Tidbits from the Kids
Hairball Formula Grass Bits

Source : Product List. Clowder Cat Food Company, 2008.

2008-11-09T20:20:00.003-05:00

Upbeat Magazine's Best Unsigned Bands of 2008

Peter, Paul, and Mary Kate & Ashley
The Donkees
The Four Nications
Up Yours With People
Billy Joel Steinberg
The 5 Entens

Source : Nody, Moe. Upbeat Magazine, October 2008.

2008-11-07T16:59:00.003-05:00

The Librarian's American Library Alliance has issued a warning to all libraries to immediately discontinue subscriptions to Linn's Stamp News and cancel standing orders for Scott's Stamp Catalogs. The organization alerts all members that philately will get you nowhere.

Source : Bromania, Tim. " Stamps Cancelled" L.A.L.A. Hotline, November 10, 2008.

2008-10-17T16:53:00.004-04:00

Officials at Catflap University announced the opening of the first ever School of the Annoying Arts. The new department will offer undergraduate and graduate degrees in this exciting new academic field. "The Annoying Arts consist of activities that require a degree of skill and talent, yet yield a result that few people desire to own or experience" said the school's dean Dwayne Inspane. The school offers majors in the following Annoying Arts:

Calligraphy
Community Chorus
Scrapbooking
Macrame
Stenciling
Interpretive Dance
Tie Dye
Riverdance
Face Painting
Rubber Stamping

There are already over 500 grandmas, aging hippies, and other "crafty" types enrolled. A university spokesman stated that the new programs should ensure a steady supply of Annoying Artists for community centers, craft fairs, and dance studios for the entire region. All citizens will now have access to a steady supply of lousy Christmas gifts and irritating performances.

Source : Dapple, Roe. "Local University Goes Downhill Again" Catflap Daily News, Summer, 2008.

2008-10-13T14:08:00.006-04:00

Vintage Pictures of Unintended Amusement

Source : Clippe, Art. The Hidden Messages of Victorian Advertising or Stop Giggling You Immature Ninny, 1962.

2008-10-10T16:15:00.002-04:00

The Language of Flowers

You have an ugly lawn - Dandelion
What's up? - Tiger lily
My heart is racing - Foxglove
He looks so peaceful - Lily
We love Great Leader - Kimsungilia
Build me up - Buttercup

Source : Bana, Ike. Blooming Nonsense, 1988.

2008-10-10T15:04:00.003-04:00

The religious novel "God's Silla" was written without using the letters "E", "A", or "S". It is the only book written in America to ever make this remarkable claim. The author, Mee Sub Pah, achieved this feat by writing the entire book in Chinese while visiting friends in California. The book became a bestseller in his native country. Upon returning to China, the author went on to have a long and successful career creating these literary curiosities.

Source : Jak, Hi Lo. Lipogram Li Po, 1939.

2008-10-10T14:31:00.005-04:00

Major Philosophical Debates of the the 20th Century

Why do fools fall in love?
Who put the bomp in the bomp, bomp, bomp?
What kind of fool am I?
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Who wrote the book of love?
Hey good lookin', what'cha got cookin'?
Who are you? Who? Who?
What's new pussycat?
Baby, Baby, where did our love go?
Will you still love me tomorrow?
What'd I say? Tell me, what'd I say?
Who will the next fool be?

Source : Witchet, Carrie. Rhetorical Historical, 2003

2008-09-29T20:11:00.004-04:00

The threat of shoe kittens has been overtaken by an even greater calamity. Many countries are reporting swarms of wild Hat Cats within their borders. These fuzzy visitors nest in people's hats and hat boxes. They then proceed to purr and shed vigorously. Removing the feline fedora filchers is a tricky business as their adorableness causes victims to take photographs rather than eject the cat from the hat. Business leaders report an increase in lateness and hatlessness among their workers.

Source : Ghora, Anne. "Scat That Hat Cat!" Journal of Cats and Economics, August 2008.

2008-09-29T19:57:00.004-04:00

The candy corn harvest takes place from late September into early October. Farmers bring this perennial Fall favorite to market after picking, husking, and shelling the hardy ears from the fields. The tender stalks are saved and used as winter food for chocolate Easter bunnies. Almost all of the candy corn crop is bagged and sold as a snack. In candy corn farm country though, some old timers still enjoy an ear of candy corn on the cob.

Source : Lenta, Paul. Candy Cornucopia, 1988.

2008-09-24T21:14:00.004-04:00

As a child the Greek philosopher Euripidies was apprenticed to be a tailor. Born with the birth name Claudius, he received his more famous moniker after his incompetent handiwork ruined a dozen togas. His exasperated master bellowed for all to hear, "You rippa' these, you gonna pay for 'em"! With that incoherent exclamation, young Claudius gained a new name and lost an apprenticeship.

Source : Pliny the Middle Child. How Much Did That Grecian Urn?, 1888.

2008-09-24T20:58:00.006-04:00

Obscure Blues Singers

Deaf Lemon Watterson
Big Mama Dave Harris
Barrelhouse Sven
Corrective Lenses Eddie
New Hampshire Charlie Franklin
Martha "Downwind" Duncan
Sam & Ella - The Poison Twins
Roy Lee "Clinical Depression" Blake
1000 Points of Light Annie

Source : Andjuan, Don. What's Your Name? : Is It Mary or Sue?, 1962.

2008-09-19T20:23:00.002-04:00

Strange but true! The businessman who popularized the modern scarf was born without a neck. At the turn of the 20th century, Chester Draws featured fancy scarves at his popular Boston clothing store. His designs were an immediate hit and he created a fashion staple that has lasted until the present day. Mr. Draws was not immune to the irony of the situation and was often heard to comment, "I'm rich. I don't need a neck."

Source : Draws, Fanny. Stick Your Neck Out : the Life of Chester Draws, 1947.

2008-09-19T20:12:00.003-04:00

Desperate environmentalists are taking radical steps to save the world's endangered species. Researchers at the Gitt Institute are attempting to communicate with some animals to warn them of the danger they are in and how to save themselves. They claim to have conveyed the message "People are made of delicious meat" to several threatened mammals. Tigers in particular seem to understand and have already eaten several of the Institute's researchers.

Source : Gall, Ben. "No Paper Tiger" National Nature News, 2008.

2008-09-19T20:01:00.003-04:00

The tradition of sniffing the cork of a bottle of wine goes back to early 15th century Europe. The lack of food preservation meant that the meal was less than fresh. Diners would take the sweet-smelling corks from the wine bottles to plug their noses while they ate the spoiled food. As food quality improved, this action was transformed into merely sniffing the stopper to sample the aroma of the wine.

Source : Canter, Dee. Madeira, I Love You, 1964.

2008-09-15T12:15:00.002-04:00

Famous Literary Adaptations

Followers in the Attic - Reverend Moon hosts a big slumber party
Braves New World - baseball team moves from Boston to Atlanta
Canterhurry Tales - abridged stories of medieval travellers
Drapes of Wrath - saga of a curtain industry family set in the 1930s
Jane Eyrehead - vacant governess is romanced by her mysterious employer
Last of the Moehaircuts - tale of a Native America with a bowl cut
Scarlet Wetter - enuresis sufferer shamed in Colonial America
Hatchback of Notre Dame - cathedral worker buys a new car to impress a girl
Summa More Theologica - sequel to Moore's classic religious work
Around the Block in 80 Days - first journey of young Phineas Fogg
Murder on the Orient Local - slightly less exotic classic mystery
Donkey Hodee - adventures of a silly ass
I, Rosie the Robot - autobiography of the Jetson's maid

Source : American Librarian's Association. Another List of Books, July 2008.

2008-09-15T12:06:00.002-04:00

Officials in the Ukraine dedicated a newly completed suspension bridge across the Crimea River. The three-mile long concrete and steel structure was named in honor of the late American singer Julie London. Ms. London has a large fan base in the area even though locals do not understand the English lyrics of her songs or what she ever saw in Jack Webb.

Source : Fatale, Natasha. "London Bridge" Pravda, August 23, 2008.

2008-09-15T12:02:00.003-04:00

Clothing manufacturers and retailers are test marketing a new size to the public. Extra medium is designed for those consumers who want their clothing more medium than regular medium. Initial response has been positive with many shoppers appreciating the extra averageness of the garment's fit.

Source : Nek, V. "Happy Mediums" Women's Where Daily, September 3, 2008.

2008-09-15T11:58:00.005-04:00

People who play the banjo are 5 to 6 inches taller than the average person. They are known to crave potato chips on Thursday afternoons. Banjo players also lead the Western world in cases of pinkeye.

Source : Churchill, Winston. Big Book O' Banjos, 1951.

2008-09-10T11:23:00.003-04:00

Prices in 1900

$2.50
$3.19
35¢
$7.95
$1.00
77¢
$6.66
5¢

Source : Sapple, Adam. The Very General Store, 1955.

2008-09-02T14:50:00.003-04:00

All the problems in the world since 1937 have been traced by to a single person-Miss Helen Weels of Los Leada, California. Worldwide peace and prosperity was just seconds away when Miss Weels chose a brown pair of shoes over a black pair. This action somehow upset the cosmic balance of the universe and plunged the world back into its familiar chaos. Miss Weels, now 97, was recently told of her place in this chain of events and reportedly feels "just awful" about it.

Source : Adore, Steve. "Shoe Selection Ruins Life for All" Men's Home Journal, Oct. 2005.

2008-09-02T14:29:00.002-04:00

The world's busiest restrooms are in Tokyo's Shokupanman station. With an average 750,000 visitors daily the toilets must recycle seawater from the nearby bay to keep up with the demand. To defray costs the city has opened up some sections of the piping as an enclosed water park during weekends and holidays. Bathers pay one thousand yen for 3 hours of sliding and splashing fun.

Source : Ono, Kim. "Station Urination Sensation" Soapland Times, 1996.

2008-09-02T14:10:00.003-04:00

The Earth is not perfectly round. In fact, the shape of the planet is changing as the population grows. The weight of this enormous number of people has pushed the landmasses down and raised the oceans. The result is Earth is becoming flatter in many areas. If the population continues to grow exponentially, the world will eventually become a flat disc.

Source : United States Department of Science. "Plus Population Produces Pancake Planet" Earthy News, 2007.

2008-09-01T11:31:00.004-04:00

One Insult Short of the Dozens

Your Mama's So....

Fat she's at risk for numerous health complications

Ugly it's really quite unattractive

Dumb she should work with a tutor to improve her skills

Poor she has little income and suffers accordingly

Loose she has contracted a social disease

Nasty she should bathe much more frequently

Source : Snapp, Chauncey. Signifying Nothing, 2001.

2008-09-01T11:25:00.002-04:00

By the year 2012 all U.S. taxpayers will be required to submit a urine sample along with their annual tax return. This new law was passed as the federal government will need the extra liquid to insure they will be able to piss away the ever-growing budget without any complications.

Source : United States Taxing Department. Urine the Money, 2008.

2008-09-01T11:18:00.002-04:00

Zoo officials in Australia have successfully crossed a kangaroo with a platypus. The new animal, the platyroo, is covered with soft brown fur and has a pouch. Its eggs are fit for human consumption and flip themselves over when cooked. Farmers Down Under are already looking into breeding this animal to harvest these convenient delicacies.

Source : Chunder, Barbie. "Woo Hoo : the Platyroo" Australian Animal Annual, 2007.

2008-09-01T11:03:00.003-04:00

Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of becoming the next president than winning the lottery jackpot. In fact, not buying a ticket decreases your chances of winning by such a minuscule percent that for all practical purposes the odds are mathematically identical.

Source : Heeganson, Moe. Lottery : A Tax on the Innumerate, 2002.

2008-08-24T19:17:00.002-04:00

Lesser Known Nursery Rhymes

Viola, Viola

Ride your gondola

Sail it away to Angola

Don't come back

It's ebola

One two eat fondue

Three four eat some more

Five six drop your sticks

Seven eight drop your plate

Nine ten eat again

Granny baked zucchini bread

Gave a slice to Tiny Ted

He fed it to the pig instead

Now that pig is very dead

Source : Mack, Mary. More Mother Goosed, 1963.

2008-08-24T18:01:00.002-04:00

The world's youngest murderer was young Bella Donna Sepsin (1903-1918). Little Bella killed her entire family with a tray of cyanide laced muffins. Authorities were initially divided as to intent. The child admitted she used an almond-scented flavoring when she baked the treats. She was less clear on why she bypassed the extracts at hand in the kitchen and instead used a bottle from the shed with a skull and crossbones on it. Freed on bail to her grandparents, Bella sealed her fate with an ill-timed bake sale to raise money for her defense that killed an additional three people. After a lengthy trial, Bella Donna Sepsin died of chronic puberty while in custardy.

Source : Thrax, Anne. Baked Bads, 1939.

2008-08-18T21:48:00.003-04:00

A recent poll revealed mass indifference to the upcoming United States presidental election. Voters do not care and are bored with television stations wasting valuable cartoon and sports time analyzing what is felt to be a pointless waste of time and money. Broken down, citizens responded with the following comments:

40% "Who cares?"

20% "I'm watching the game"
15% "I'm watching cartoons"

30% "Like it makes a difference"

5% "I'm reading"

Source : Call During Dinner Polls Corp. "Lying Bastards Ignored By Voting Public", June 2008.

2008-08-18T21:42:00.003-04:00

The popularity of bottled water has led many cities around the globe to begin piping the wonder liquid directly into the consumer's home. These massive public works programs deliver clean, inexpensive, and healthy water through a "tap" or "faucet", a control device that allows for both temperature and portion control.

Source : Quafina, R. "H2O Boy!" Amazing World Weekly, August 3, 2008.

2008-08-18T21:32:00.005-04:00

The first shelves were invented by the ancient peoples of Northern South America and Southern North America. These shelves were made of wood or stone and were mounted vertically on a wall. Archaeologists now believe that the construction and placement of these shelves has been the main cause of ancient artifacts almost always being found in shards.

Source : Nile, Dee. International Geographic Annual, 1988.

2008-08-13T16:28:00.003-04:00

Noted mystic Swami Salaamii has been determined by a panel of experts to be the biggest dip currently living. Factors that were included in the judge's decision-making were wacky appearance, dizzy philosophy, and spacey demeanor. The Swami rated so high that many attending felt she created new levels in dippiness. "The woman is an utter dip" remarked scientist Art Affact. "I mean, talking to her is like talking to a wall. Except a wall wouldn't have that simpering smile and stupid expression of hers". The Swami will be awarded a slap upside the head in a ceremony sometime next month.

Source : "Balmy Salaamii Space Case in First Place". Variety Meets, August 22, 2008.

2008-08-09T17:02:00.003-04:00

Obscure Measurements

1 Truth = 2 Half Truths
1 Phone = 1,000,000 microphones
100 Hertz = 1 Effinhertz
2 MDs = 1 Paradox
1/5 Rat Pack = 1 Semi-Davis Jr.
1,000 light years = 1 Heavy Year
10 Overbytes = 1 Orthobyte

Source : Waite, Penny. Fathom That! : A Treatise on Measure, 1964.

2008-08-09T16:32:00.004-04:00

The human eyeball is made up of almost 90% water. By a strange coincidence, it contains exactly the same chemical makeup as ginger ale. Doctors, in emergency situations, have repaired severe optical injuries by employing this vision-saving and refreshing beverage.

Source : Pepper, Dr. Ginger Ale : Mixer, Elixir, and Optical Fixer, 2004.

2008-08-09T16:22:00.003-04:00

American daredevil Andy Oxident was the first person to attempt skipping across the North American continent. From his starting point in Maine, Mr. Oxident minced as far as the suburbs of Boston before townspeople began chasing him and threatening his life. Rescued by police constables, he was briefly detained on suspicion of lewd and unnatural behavior. Once freed, Mr. Oxident quickly returned to his Ohio home by train.

Source : Gumm, Frances. "Midwest Invert Assaulted By Alewife Mob" Boston Bee, April 27, 1923.

2008-08-09T16:14:00.003-04:00

Angel hair pasta got its name because it was once personally blessed by a member of the clergy. The fine strands were thought to represent the beautiful flowing hair of these mythological divine messengers. The dish, originally only served on Sundays, was served with a tangy sauce of butter, garlic, and cherub flanks.

Source : Bomination, A. Food of the God, 1955.

2008-07-25T12:19:00.005-04:00

A task force of leading zoologists are mystified by the recent swarms of shoe kittens. These adorable felines have been appearing in footwear around North America, Europe, and Japan. While not a threat to humans, the kittens have caused the loss of thousands of man-hours. Because the kittens cry when taken from their "homes" workers hesitate to remove the cats from their shoes. The cause of this strange upswing in shoe kittens is unknown, but scientists theorize that global warming may be a factor.

Source : Padrille, S. "Cute to Boot : The Ubiquitous Shoe Kitten" Wing Tip Weekly, July 20, 2008.

2008-07-20T15:44:00.004-04:00

Famous First Words

Da-da
Kitty
Ma-ma
Dammit
This is the city, Los Angeles California
Nana
Boo-Boo
Up
Death to the fascist insect that preys on the life of the people
Uh-Oh

Source : Sendent, Dee. Speech Development in Infants, 1994.

2008-07-20T15:33:00.005-04:00

Police in Southeastern Wales are investigating a man who disguises himself as a breast pump in order to fondle women. He is a suspect in more than 70 incidents over a six month period. Witnesses and victims describe his costume as "very convincing" and many were unaware of the ruse until the man finished and ran away. Scotland Yard is advising any new mothers using a breast pump to give the device a vigorous shaking before use. Police have provide the sketch to the left of the suspect.

Source : Allcarrs, Colin. "Yard Abreast of Crime Wave" Cardiff Daily Tabloid, July 31, 2008.

2008-07-20T15:25:00.003-04:00

Pinball was an Olympic sport in the 1950s and 60s. The United States and Britain dominated the sport, earning more than 85% of the medals between them. The event was dropped in 1968 when the Olympic Committee discovered most of the athletes were bunking school to practice and attend the Games.

Source : Cade, R. Full Tilt Olympians : the Glory and the Gold, 1979.

2008-07-20T15:16:00.003-04:00

The Duchess Mary Annette of the court of Queen Foraday (1722-1773) had 9 toes on each foot. As she was a favorite of the queen, other members of the royal entourage copied her extra-wide footwear. The popularity of this style led to a crippling leather shortage and a great deal of stumbling.

Source : Dactyl, Polly. Fashion Fopperies and Fads, 1983.

2008-07-20T15:06:00.002-04:00

The traditional cry of "Fore!" in golf has its origins in the early 1700s. It is a contraction of the Scottish phrase "Fore gawd sakes, will ye hit the friggin' ball!". By the mid to late 1800s Victorian linksmen prudishly shorted the expression to its current state.

Source : Schott, Chip. Golf : Almost a Sport, 1919.

2008-07-19T20:26:00.003-04:00

Small decorative lacy mats got their name from Bishop Lucas Doily (1875-1944). Many admired the handsome circular apron that he always wore over his vestments. Pious female followers began to knit smaller versions of the garment for home decoration, naming them after their originator.

Source : Council, Trent O. Curia Curiosities, 1988.

2008-07-13T17:02:00.003-04:00

A statue was recently unveiled at the Dixie Baseball Hall of Fame in Fungo, Mississippi. The bronze figure commemorates the accomplishments of the ill-fated Confederate League. Teams from different Southern military units played for recreation during the Civil War. Because of a shortage of equipment these baseball enthusiasts improvised from available materials. Although the games were very popular with the men, the league was short-lived. It is believed that many of the best players did not survive the war.

Source : Bund, Morty. More Than Eight Men Out, 1951.

2008-07-13T16:45:00.005-04:00

A man in Maine witnessed what he was sure was a tin pie plate flying through the sky. Air Force officials have now announced it was in fact a genuine UFO. They have presented photographic and forensic evidence which was immediately availible for public inspection. Leading independent UFO researchers believe the government is trying to mislead them. "There is vast conspiracy afoot to discredit the authenticity of the pie plate." stated researcher Ann Dorian. "The government's tradition of misinformation in this area speaks for itself".

Source : Well, Roz. "Pie in the Sky?" Out There Magazine, April 2008.

2008-07-13T16:20:00.003-04:00

Scientists at the Psychoceramic Foundation announced that psychic powers absolutely do not exist. Those who claim to see the future are in fact in contact with confederates in time zones to their east. Because it will always be later in an eastern time zone the day's events have already occurred there. What appears to be prophecy or premonition are simply relays of events of the near past from the Far East.

Source : Mancy, Theo. "They Knew They Would Fail" Science Creation, Oct 2007.

2008-07-11T22:50:00.005-04:00

Japanese automakers have created a car that gets 300 miles per gallon. Unfortunately these 300 miles are all in Japan and therefore useful only to a handful of local motorists. Engineer Ken Hibachi hopes to design a fuel efficient vehicle by restructuring roads in such a way that every trip will be downhill in both directions. "All that coasting will save on fuel costs and improve air quality" remarked this innovative man of science.

Source : Sell, Ed. "Asian Auto Know Better" Car & Passenger, August 2008.

2008-07-11T22:33:00.006-04:00

The human body contains over 100 different chemicals, several of which are highly explosive. People are only kept from detonating by the water contained in the majority of the body's cells. Maintaining this delicate balance is the reason for thirst. Without the the body providing this vital sensation people would explode regularly.

Source : Rage, Bev. "Hydration Sensation Causation" Secular Science Monitor, Feb 1998.

2008-07-11T21:49:00.008-04:00

Unpopular Baby Names of 2008

Boys:

Maxi

Bennigitis

Troylet

Alvine

Malcolmtent

Herbies

Girls:

AnnaCondaleeza

Methyl

Ruebella

Cherylnobyl

Quinsy

Fartina

Source : United States Department of Statistics. "Infant Moniker Monitor", April 2008.

2008-07-09T16:30:00.004-04:00

Demi Mondaine (1901-1970) of Rannel, Rhode Island was the first woman multi-millionaire. Born into poverty, this clever entrepreneur earned her vast fortune in the entertainment and personal service industries. Miss Mondaine is believed to have invented the "franchise chain" concept. She opened her first "Lupanar Club" in Boston 1925. By 1933 there was one on a back street in every major U.S. city. Late in life she retired to the Cyprian Islands where was elected an honorary quean by the local population. An avid housekeeper, Demi was famous for her tarts.

Source : Drazel, Doxie. Madam Demi : A Working Girl's Life, 1941.

2008-07-08T13:38:00.002-04:00

The famous statues on Easter Island are hollow. They were originally constructed for food storage by the aboriginal population. When European explorers witnessed the annual egg harvest being inserted up the noses of the giant heads, they decided to name the island after their egg-related holiday. In modern times the statues have been filled with sand in an effort to deter thieves.

Source : Sunday, Whit. Two Rongos Make a Write, 1892.

2008-07-04T18:51:00.004-04:00

The bodies of automobiles manufactured before 1935 were made from a combination of new metal and horse hoof. There was a great surplus of horses because the car made them obsolete. Thrifty automakers took advantage of this buyer's market and used the hooves, shoes and all, to created a sturdy alloy that was more pliant than steel alone. This practice died out by the early 1940s when large numbers of horses were drafted into the military.

Source : Mino, Paulo. The Horseless Carriage, 1961.

2008-07-01T21:11:00.003-04:00

Turkish diplomat Hami Aktur (1860-1931) was renowned for his photographic memory. He had an astounding ability to remember even minute details about people he met throughout his life. He once met a friend he had not seen since primary school in Constantinople. It was then Aktur uttered his most famous quote: "Of course I remember you Omar. I never forget a fez".

Source : Tarboosh, Trilby. Istanbullshit : A Book of Ottoman Observations, 1953.

2008-07-01T20:54:00.003-04:00

The city of Boston got its name from the many sheep that once grazed on Boston Common. Early New Englanders jokingly referred to the mutton-filled municipality as "Baa's Town". Although the spelling has changed over time, local pronunciation has remained largely unchanged.

Source : Vine, O. Beantown : A History of Boston, 1944.

2008-07-01T13:36:00.002-04:00

The eminent philanthropist C. Howe Deyrun (1880-1925) made his fortune in speculating in the lucrative spats market. A great humanitarian, Mr. Deyrun created many opportunities for women who wanted to become unwed mothers. His life was tragically cut short when his wife Lillian stabbed him to death with a butter knife.

Source : Slattern, Annie. The Man Who Gave All He Had, 1933.

2008-06-29T20:12:00.010-04:00

Music from the 1970s has been found to cause many extremely serious health problems. In an alarming study researchers caution the public to avoid any prolonged exposure to these terrible songs. While all music from the 70s is dangerous, the following "styles" are particularly hazardous:

Sensitive ballads sung by men "in touch with their feelings" - diabetes and spine problems

Assertive feminist anthems - cause of that "not so fresh feeling"

You Light Up My Life - a known carcinogen

Disco - primary source of ebola

Story songs - IBS and upper respiratory infections

Concept rock albums - premature aging, senility, and cirrhosis

If you should hear any music from this era, plug your ears tightly and remove yourself from the area immediately.

Source : Massachusetts Department of Mental Hygiene. "Death Before and After Disco" New England Journal of Medical Information, July 10, 2008.

2008-06-29T19:56:00.002-04:00

Anecdotal evidence suggests that the brain stays conscious for a brief time after beheading. During the French Revolution the severed head of a Madame Pujol was lifted up by the hair by the executioner. It is said that the eyes opened and the mouth uttered a single word - "Merde" before finally lapsing into death. The assembled crowd panicked and 11 revolutionaries were killed in the ensuing stampede.

Source : La Teene, Guy. I've Seen London-I've Seen France, 1889.

2008-06-29T19:36:00.002-04:00

Soap was once used as currency in medieval Europe. People valued the 1 lb bars so highly that over time the original purpose of soap as a cleaner was ignored and forgotten. By the late 1300s Europe was an exceptionally foul smelling and filthy place. Arab traders called it "Immund Em Etic" (Unclean Land Causing Vomit) and for generations would only do business through middlemen.

Source : High, Gene. Europe in the Dark Ages, 1910.

2008-06-24T22:04:00.004-04:00

Convertibles are bad for your hair. Riding at speeds over 20 mph can imbed dirt and grit deep into the roots. These particles can only be removed with a specially formulated shampoo made of detergent and flaming marshmallows.

Source : Romero, Alfred. "Candy in Your Hair" Motor Trendy, April 3, 1956.

2008-06-24T22:00:00.003-04:00

The world's oldest hockey player, Jerry Hattrick of Toronto, is still an active sportsman at age 99. Mr. Hattrick skates two hours a day at the local rink. He lost his last original tooth in 1926.

Source : Orr, I. Ron. "Toothless Jock Inspiringly Pathetic" Hockey Herald, February 2008.

2008-06-24T21:55:00.002-04:00

All purple flowers are a good choice for hardy groundcover. The chemical that colors them, Peepul Eetah, thrives on being stepped on and crushed underfoot. The pressure releases powerful enzymes that help the plants to grow in any climate and soil.

Source : Lett, Vi. Landscaping Fun with Vi, 1999.

2008-06-24T21:51:00.002-04:00

Canadian geese can fly at speeds of up to 150 mph when pursuing their prey. They have a poor sense of direction and often become lost while hunting. Bird experts believe this and their tendency to overshoot targets explains why so many of them are now in the United States.

Source : Gander, G.G. A Piece on Geese, 2006.

2008-06-24T21:47:00.002-04:00

Shark attacks are on the rise because the slowing economy has prevented many consumers from repaying their gambling debts in a timely manner. In the New York City area alone there has been an astounding 84% increase in kneecap injuries since the beginning of the fiscal year.

Source : United States Department of Economic Numbers. Industry Indicators Monthly Factsheet, July 2008.

2008-06-24T21:43:00.002-04:00

Phobias are so called because they are not real. Realbias are real. Claustrophobia is an unfounded fear of closed in spaces. Claustrorealbia is fear of an closed in space that contains a real danger such as a tiger or an explosive.

Source : Tree, Paul. The Handbook of Fine Distinctions, 1988.

2008-06-24T21:36:00.002-04:00

Colorful Criminal Monikers

Albert "Legitimate Businessman" Malone

Freddie "The Vicious Murderer" Griffin

"Spaghetti" Al Dente

Sy "Deadeye" Klopps

Teddy "Surprisingly Well Read" Moretti

Stevie "Reputed Mobster" Fusco

Michael "Elected Official" Shea

James "Jimmy D" Locke

Source : Mook, Patsy D. Old Bailey's Book of Sobriquets. 1967.

2008-06-19T16:27:00.002-04:00

The new city hall building in Fort Tran, South Carolina is constructed from bricks made from compressed paper and refrigerators. These earth-friendly building blocks are both solid and long lasting. The money saved was substantial as all necessary building materials were retrieved from city streets and the local landfill. Plans for a pool and new police station are already underway.

Source : Moore, Ken. "S.C. Municipal Building Saves $$" Refrigerator Recycling Register, May 2008.

2008-06-15T17:12:00.003-04:00

Super plush carpeting recently imported from some Sub-Saharan African factories is known to be infested with rhinoceroses. The pests burrow deep into the fibers and are unknowingly transported around the globe. Consumer watchdog groups have been advising shoppers to check their homes for large quantities of missing food. Call local authorities should you find more than three rhinoceroses in your home.

Source : United States Department of the Interior Decorator. "Rug Rhino Alert", June 2008.

2008-06-15T17:08:00.002-04:00

T-Pants were the less successful companion to the T-shirt. Both garments were developed for soldiers serving in World War II. T-Pants were both comfortable and lightweight. Sadly walking was awkward as the T-shaped single leg constricted movement. The armed forces fazed T-Pants out after only two years.

Source : Mack, Mary. Fashion Follies and Fun Facts, 2000.

2008-06-15T17:00:00.003-04:00

The pigeon (ayrbornious rattus) is not a true member of the bird family. Rather they are a species of flying rodent. The same is true of their maritime cousin the seagull (verminia landfillii).

Source : Autobahn Society Newsletter, Oct. 2003.

2008-06-15T16:56:00.002-04:00

In Victorian England anything related to childbirth was considered scandalously indecent. Women were often sequestered throughout their entire pregnancy. Their husbands were sent to special prisons on charges of lewd behavior.

Source : Faire, May. Victorian Mores and Lesses, 1948.

2008-06-15T16:45:00.006-04:00

Bunk beds were originally called "bonk" beds. They got their name from the sound that was made when the person in the upper bed fell out and hit the floor.

Source : Tress, Matt. Sleep Safety, 1988.

2008-06-14T19:14:00.004-04:00

The character of Count Chocula was based on a real person. Hungerian prince Vlad VII (1366-1410) was feared for his great cruelty and bloodlust. Known as "Chocul" (evil sweet one), Vlad often had entire towns pillaged and razed. Later, at his command, his troops would impale any surviving villagers on large spoons. Crime historians often cite Prince Vlad as the world's first known cereal killer.

Source : Western, Beth. Against the Grain : A History of Millers and Killers, 1922.

2008-06-12T12:51:00.004-04:00

Helen Mackabroin was the first woman to ever have her own television program. Her Manhattan-based talk show, Helen's Smart Set (1938-1939) was an immediate success. Of the 100 people in the country who owned a television almost 20% of them watched weekly. When television became more widespread and varied her popularity waned as she was extremely boring, maddeningly pretentious and rather unattractive.

Source : Glutinosa, Maxine. Television : the Early Years, 1955.

2008-06-12T12:30:00.003-04:00

Barbecue sauce is good for an upset stomach. Many stomachs become upset because they are subjected to inferior "healthy" food. The horrible taste of sprouts, tofu, bran and the like cause so much anxiety and nausea they actually do the body more harm than good. Leading doctors recommend at least one serving of barbecued food per day. Along with sides like fries or onion rings, BBQ leads to such a state of gastric well-being that it can increase a person's healthy longevity by at least a decade.

Source : Beanes, Red. "BBQ is Good For You!" Preventive Magazine, Oct. 2006.

2008-06-11T11:53:00.003-04:00

Sir Oliver of Katz (1233-1271) led what has come to called the "Musical Crusade". Pilgrims joined from all over Europe and sang hymns continuously as an expression of faith while they travelled. Their efforts to reclaim the Holy Land met with tragedy and they were slaughtered and enslaved by the thousands.

Source : Cleavage, Ann O. The Singing Martyrs, 1911.

2008-06-11T11:49:00.002-04:00

The first pizzas were made in the shape of a five-pointed star. By the turn of the last century diners had come to prefer the triangular servings to the oddly shaped middle. Pete's Pies of Plainfield, NJ is credited with inventing the present circle shaped pizza which gives everyone a triangular slice.

Source : Chovee, Anne. Pie Are Not Square, 1962.

2008-06-11T11:41:00.002-04:00

An angry mob attacked a homeopath at a Midwestern community center. The man, Stanley Nostrum, had arrived to give a lecture on the benefits of his calling. According to witnesses, the audience believed the alternative health provider to be a threat to family values. Apparently under the mistaken impression a homeopath is a gay serial killer, the group of 150 attempted to tar and feather the speaker. The unfortunate matter was eventually straightened out by local police and a dictionary, but a shaken Dr. Nostrum was unable to complete his presentation.

Source : Mology, Etta. "Hicks in Sticks Attack Quack" Variety Meets, Nov. 7, 2002.

2008-06-11T11:36:00.003-04:00

Cats are much more intelligent than previously believed. Tests have shown that they understand human action and language with great accuracy. This ability had largely gone undetected for while the feline comprehends the human, they do not wish to cater to them. Thus, the apathetic cat ignores the human.

Source : Ow, Mi. "Cats : They Love You But Not That Much" Beijing Journal of Cat Studies, Winter 1999.

2008-06-11T11:32:00.002-04:00

Extended television viewing is good for both the individual and society. It keeps stupid people content and occupied. They are therefore less likely to venture out and bother others and get into trouble. Television also slows the formation of annoying groups, both religious and secular.

Source : Nickelsworth, Philo. "Television and Societal Serenity" Media Monthly, Spring 2006.

2008-06-09T13:53:00.002-04:00

Married women of the Mohawk tribe shaved their legs with sharpened mollusk shells. To complement the hairstyle of their warrior husbands, squaws traditionally left a 1" strip of hair unshaven on the front of each leg.

Source : Conder, Anna. Grooming Customs of the Frontier, 1883.

2008-06-09T13:47:00.002-04:00

According to a study by researchers at Yale Yuniversity, the other line does go faster. This is because a person can only be in one line at a time. With multiple other lines for comparison, the odds favor that one of the others will be better. Also, subjects failed to notice when they were in the quicker line. When this situation occurred they did not stand around and make the necessary observations, but went through the line and left.

Source : Jingleheimer-Schmidt, J.J. "No Cuts : A Systematic Analysis of Service Queues" Yale Yearly, 2001.

2008-06-09T13:43:00.002-04:00

The average American eats his weight in hot dogs every year. As Americans are getting fatter with each passing year, hot dog consumption has risen accordingly.

Source : American Hot Dog Manufacturers Association. Hot Dog! We Have a Wiener!, 2007.

2008-06-09T13:32:00.002-04:00

Proverbs From Around the Globe

Poland : Don't wait for a beet to do your laundry
North Korea : The slowest rat becomes the entree
Netherlands : Running towards cheese strengthens the hamstrings
United States : You're not guilty if nobody saw you
Kenya : Water flows towards the lion without the yam

Source : Imm, Max. Wise Words of Wisdom, 1977.

2008-06-07T14:58:00.003-04:00

The noise that dogs make is called "bark" because in 12th century Britain people were stupider than the trees around them. When they heard a dog speak, villagers naturally turned to the intellectually superior trees to find the correct words.

Source : Layte, Sir Q. Animals and Britain : A Family Tree, 1888.

2008-06-07T14:49:00.003-04:00

Archaeologist digging in a remote area of Laurelstan uncovered what they believe to be the earliest example of the novelty radio. The artifact is crafted of solid-state stone and thought to represent the goddess Hoemlee. One breast is the tuner and the other is the volume control. No one involved in the discovery would discuss the antenna. Expedition leader Dr. O. Hardy remarked "The historical implications of this rude novelty radio are staggering".

Source : Coney, Mark. "Old News." Archeology Yesterday, April 2004.

2008-06-07T14:44:00.002-04:00

Breaking wind is considered a great compliment in France. The French feel farting shows an intimate understanding of the nation's culture. Both audible and SBDs are appreciated, especially in a group or public setting. French folklore also maintains farting brings good luck as it helps in the ripening and flavor of local cheeses.

Source : LePew, Peppy. Frommage, Flatus, et France, 1949.

2008-06-07T14:36:00.002-04:00

Pickles are very important for one's sense of hearing. The curing process makes them a rich source of Vitamin P12, which protects humans and laboratory animals against deafness.

Source : United States Department of Vitamins. Pickle Prospectus, April 1981.

2008-06-07T14:33:00.002-04:00

The fountain pen was invented by jazz musician Pete Fountain. He was inspired when a band mate poured a drink into his clarinet as a practical joke.

Source : Savannah, H. Jazzmen and Their Lives, 1955.

2008-06-03T16:49:00.003-04:00

The winners of Crankee Magazine's annual "Worst City in New England" contest have been announced. Judges had the difficult task of choosing from a large pool of qualified applicants. Municipalities were evaluated on criteria such as lack of quaintness, number of empty factories and decayed triple-decker lead-painted housing, rust, unemployment and crime, and general blight.

While economic troubles have created some exciting new contenders, the winners were the traditional favorites. Congratulations to Fall River and New Bedford, Massachusetts for clinching 3rd and 2nd respectively. But once again Bridgeport, Connecticut took the top honors. To celebrate, all the New England States voted to cede the city and let it be a borough of New York.

Source : "2008 Worst Cities in New England : A Tough Call." Crankee Magazine, June 2008.