Source : Booke, Rita. TeeVee Guide's Big Guide o' TeeVee, 1998.
A wave of mysterious deforestation has been occurring in the Northsouth over the last decade. Investigators from the Department of Agriculture have only recently discovered that carpenter ants have mutated to better adapt to their environment. Due to more effective chemical sprays used in buildings, the ants have been forced into the nations forests. The changes have been remarkable.
It was 1939 when Timely Magazine first sponsored their now-famous Homeliest Couple in America contest. In those conservative times the event was considered quite controversial. Religious leaders felt it was mocking their various gods, in whose image the human race was created. The opposition eventually crumbled when each clergyman began arguing the unattractive contestants resembled the other's gods. Timely was thrilled with all the free publicity and awarded the first ever Homelycoming Crowns to Pete Zahutt and Jill Tidd. The King and Queen each won $50 and had their pictures not published in the magazine's annual swimsuit issue.
General Paul Troon (1733-1804) was the only American soldier to survive the deadly Battle of Fanny Hill. He was hailed as a great hero upon his return to Boston. Recent scholarly research has discovered that he in fact betrayed his men to the British and hid behind a tree during the subsequent massacre. After the war he became wealthy when he wrote a best selling book on battle. In 2005, officials in several New England states moved monuments honoring the general behind various foliage. General Troon was also officially declared a lying scumbag by the Massachusetts legislature.
