Cat Food Flavors For Real Cats!

• Small Flightless Bird
• Tormented Mouse
• Lip-Smackin' Spiders
• Unguarded Thawing Hamburger
• Table Tidbits from the Kids
• Hairball Formula Grass Bits

Source : Product List. Clowder Cat Food Company, 2008.

Upbeat Magazine's Best Unsigned Bands of 2008

• Peter, Paul, and Mary Kate & Ashley
• The Donkees
• The Four Nications
• Up Yours With People
• Billy Joel Steinberg
• The 5 Entens
  

Source : Nody, Moe. Upbeat Magazine, October 2008.

The Librarian's American Library Alliance has issued a warning to all libraries to immediately discontinue subscriptions to Linn's Stamp News and cancel standing orders for Scott's Stamp Catalogs. The organization alerts all members that philately will get you nowhere.

Source : Bromania, Tim. " Stamps Cancelled" L.A.L.A. Hotline, November 10, 2008.

Officials at Catflap University announced the opening of the first ever School of the Annoying Arts. The new department will offer undergraduate and graduate degrees in this exciting new academic field. "The Annoying Arts consist of activities that require a degree of skill and talent, yet yield a result that few people desire to own or experience" said the school's dean Dwayne Inspane. The school offers majors in the following Annoying Arts:

• Calligraphy
• Community Chorus
• Scrapbooking
• Macrame
• Stenciling
• Interpretive Dance
• Tie Dye
• Riverdance
• Face Painting
• Rubber Stamping

There are already over 500 grandmas, aging hippies, and other "crafty" types enrolled. A university spokesman stated that the new programs should ensure a steady supply of Annoying Artists for community centers, craft fairs, and dance studios for the entire region. All citizens will now have access to a steady supply of lousy Christmas gifts and irritating performances.

Source : Dapple, Roe. "Local University Goes Downhill Again" Catflap Daily News, Summer, 2008.

Vintage Pictures of Unintended Amusement

Source : Clippe, Art. The Hidden Messages of Victorian Advertising or Stop Giggling You Immature Ninny, 1962.

The Language of Flowers

• You have an ugly lawn - Dandelion
• What's up? - Tiger lily
• My heart is racing - Foxglove
• He looks so peaceful - Lily
• We love Great Leader - Kimsungilia
• Build me up - Buttercup

Source : Bana, Ike. Blooming Nonsense, 1988.

The religious novel "God's Silla" was written without using the letters "E", "A", or "S". It is the only book written in America to ever make this remarkable claim. The author, Mee Sub Pah, achieved this feat by writing the entire book in Chinese while visiting friends in California. The book became a bestseller in his native country. Upon returning to China, the author went on to have a long and successful career creating these literary curiosities.

Source : Jak, Hi Lo. Lipogram Li Po, 1939.

Major Philosophical Debates of the the 20th Century

• Why do fools fall in love?
• Who put the bomp in the bomp, bomp, bomp?
• What kind of fool am I?
• Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
• Who wrote the book of love?
• Hey good lookin', what'cha got cookin'?
• Who are you? Who? Who?
• What's new pussycat?
• Baby, Baby, where did our love go?
• Will you still love me tomorrow?
• What'd I say? Tell me, what'd I say?
• Who will the next fool be?

Source : Witchet, Carrie. Rhetorical Historical, 2003

The threat of shoe kittens has been overtaken by an even greater calamity. Many countries are reporting swarms of wild Hat Cats within their borders. These fuzzy visitors nest in people's hats and hat boxes. They then proceed to purr and shed vigorously. Removing the feline fedora filchers is a tricky business as their adorableness causes victims to take photographs rather than eject the cat from the hat. Business leaders report an increase in lateness and hatlessness among their workers.

Source : Ghora, Anne. "Scat That Hat Cat!" Journal of Cats and Economics, August 2008.

The candy corn harvest takes place from late September into early October. Farmers bring this perennial Fall favorite to market after picking, husking, and shelling the hardy ears from the fields. The tender stalks are saved and used as winter food for chocolate Easter bunnies. Almost all of the candy corn crop is bagged and sold as a snack. In candy corn farm country though, some old timers still enjoy an ear of candy corn on the cob.

Source : Lenta, Paul. Candy Cornucopia, 1988.

As a child the Greek philosopher Euripidies was apprenticed to be a tailor. Born with the birth name Claudius, he received his more famous moniker after his incompetent handiwork ruined a dozen togas. His exasperated master bellowed for all to hear, "You rippa' these, you gonna pay for 'em"! With that incoherent exclamation, young Claudius gained a new name and lost an apprenticeship.

Source : Pliny the Middle Child. How Much Did That Grecian Urn?, 1888.

Obscure Blues Singers

• Deaf Lemon Watterson
• Big Mama Dave Harris
• Barrelhouse Sven
• Corrective Lenses Eddie
• New Hampshire Charlie Franklin
• Martha "Downwind" Duncan
• Sam & Ella - The Poison Twins
• Roy Lee "Clinical Depression" Blake
• 1000 Points of Light Annie

Source : Andjuan, Don. What's Your Name? : Is It Mary or Sue?, 1962.

Strange but true! The businessman who popularized the modern scarf was born without a neck. At the turn of the 20th century, Chester Draws featured fancy scarves at his popular Boston clothing store. His designs were an immediate hit and he created a fashion staple that has lasted until the present day. Mr. Draws was not immune to the irony of the situation and was often heard to comment, "I'm rich. I don't need a neck."

Source : Draws, Fanny. Stick Your Neck Out : the Life of Chester Draws, 1947.

Desperate environmentalists are taking radical steps to save the world's endangered species. Researchers at the Gitt Institute are attempting to communicate with some animals to warn them of the danger they are in and how to save themselves. They claim to have conveyed the message "People are made of delicious meat" to several threatened mammals. Tigers in particular seem to understand and have already eaten several of the Institute's researchers.

Source : Gall, Ben. "No Paper Tiger" National Nature News, 2008.

The tradition of sniffing the cork of a bottle of wine goes back to early 15th century Europe. The lack of food preservation meant that the meal was less than fresh. Diners would take the sweet-smelling corks from the wine bottles to plug their noses while they ate the spoiled food. As food quality improved, this action was transformed into merely sniffing the stopper to sample the aroma of the wine.

Source : Canter, Dee. Madeira, I Love You, 1964.

Famous Literary Adaptations

• Followers in the Attic - Reverend Moon hosts a big slumber party
• Braves New World - baseball team moves from Boston to Atlanta
• Canterhurry Tales - abridged stories of medieval travellers
• Drapes of Wrath - saga of a curtain industry family set in the 1930s
• Jane Eyrehead - vacant governess is romanced by her mysterious employer
• Last of the Moehaircuts - tale of a Native America with a bowl cut
• Scarlet Wetter - enuresis sufferer shamed in Colonial America
• Hatchback of Notre Dame - cathedral worker buys a new car to impress a girl
• Summa More Theologica - sequel to Moore's classic religious work
• Around the Block in 80 Days - first journey of young Phineas Fogg
• Murder on the Orient Local - slightly less exotic classic mystery
• Donkey Hodee - adventures of a silly ass
• I, Rosie the Robot - autobiography of the Jetson's maid

Source : American Librarian's Association. Another List of Books, July 2008.

Officials in the Ukraine dedicated a newly completed suspension bridge across the Crimea River. The three-mile long concrete and steel structure was named in honor of the late American singer Julie London. Ms. London has a large fan base in the area even though locals do not understand the English lyrics of her songs or what she ever saw in Jack Webb.

Source : Fatale, Natasha. "London Bridge" Pravda, August 23, 2008.

Clothing manufacturers and retailers are test marketing a new size to the public. Extra medium is designed for those consumers who want their clothing more medium than regular medium. Initial response has been positive with many shoppers appreciating the extra averageness of the garment's fit.

Source : Nek, V. "Happy Mediums" Women's Where Daily, September 3, 2008.

People who play the banjo are 5 to 6 inches taller than the average person. They are known to crave potato chips on Thursday afternoons. Banjo players also lead the Western world in cases of pinkeye.

Source : Churchill, Winston. Big Book O' Banjos, 1951.

Prices in 1900

• $2.50
• $3.19
• 35¢
• $7.95
• $1.00
• 77¢
• $6.66
• 5¢

Source : Sapple, Adam. The Very General Store, 1955.

All the problems in the world since 1937 have been traced by to a single person-Miss Helen Weels of Los Leada, California. Worldwide peace and prosperity was just seconds away when Miss Weels chose a brown pair of shoes over a black pair. This action somehow upset the cosmic balance of the universe and plunged the world back into its familiar chaos. Miss Weels, now 97, was recently told of her place in this chain of events and reportedly feels "just awful" about it.

Source : Adore, Steve. "Shoe Selection Ruins Life for All" Men's Home Journal, Oct. 2005.

The world's busiest restrooms are in Tokyo's Shokupanman station. With an average 750,000 visitors daily the toilets must recycle seawater from the nearby bay to keep up with the demand. To defray costs the city has opened up some sections of the piping as an enclosed water park during weekends and holidays. Bathers pay one thousand yen for 3 hours of sliding and splashing fun.

Source : Ono, Kim. "Station Urination Sensation" Soapland Times, 1996.

The Earth is not perfectly round. In fact, the shape of the planet is changing as the population grows. The weight of this enormous number of people has pushed the landmasses down and raised the oceans. The result is Earth is becoming flatter in many areas. If the population continues to grow exponentially, the world will eventually become a flat disc.

Source : United States Department of Science. "Plus Population Produces Pancake Planet" Earthy News, 2007.

One Insult Short of the Dozens

Your Mama's So....

Fat she's at risk for numerous health complications

Ugly it's really quite unattractive

Dumb she should work with a tutor to improve her skills

Poor she has little income and suffers accordingly

Loose she has contracted a social disease

Nasty she should bathe much more frequently

Source : Snapp, Chauncey. Signifying Nothing, 2001.

By the year 2012 all U.S. taxpayers will be required to submit a urine sample along with their annual tax return. This new law was passed as the federal government will need the extra liquid to insure they will be able to piss away the ever-growing budget without any complications.

Source : United States Taxing Department. Urine the Money, 2008.

Zoo officials in Australia have successfully crossed a kangaroo with a platypus. The new animal, the platyroo, is covered with soft brown fur and has a pouch. Its eggs are fit for human consumption and flip themselves over when cooked. Farmers Down Under are already looking into breeding this animal to harvest these convenient delicacies.

Source : Chunder, Barbie. "Woo Hoo : the Platyroo" Australian Animal Annual, 2007.

Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of becoming the next president than winning the lottery jackpot. In fact, not buying a ticket decreases your chances of winning by such a minuscule percent that for all practical purposes the odds are mathematically identical.

Source : Heeganson, Moe. Lottery : A Tax on the Innumerate, 2002.

Lesser Known Nursery Rhymes

Viola, Viola

Ride your gondola

Sail it away to Angola

Don't come back

It's ebola

One two eat fondue

Three four eat some more

Five six drop your sticks

Seven eight drop your plate

Nine ten eat again

Granny baked zucchini bread

Gave a slice to Tiny Ted

He fed it to the pig instead

Now that pig is very dead

Source : Mack, Mary. More Mother Goosed, 1963.

The world's youngest murderer was young Bella Donna Sepsin (1903-1918). Little Bella killed her entire family with a tray of cyanide laced muffins. Authorities were initially divided as to intent. The child admitted she used an almond-scented flavoring when she baked the treats. She was less clear on why she bypassed the extracts at hand in the kitchen and instead used a bottle from the shed with a skull and crossbones on it. Freed on bail to her grandparents, Bella sealed her fate with an ill-timed bake sale to raise money for her defense that killed an additional three people. After a lengthy trial, Bella Donna Sepsin died of chronic puberty while in custardy.

Source : Thrax, Anne. Baked Bads, 1939.

A recent poll revealed mass indifference to the upcoming United States presidental election. Voters do not care and are bored with television stations wasting valuable cartoon and sports time analyzing what is felt to be a pointless waste of time and money. Broken down, citizens responded with the following comments:

• 40% "Who cares?"


• 20% "I'm watching the game"
  
• 15% "I'm watching cartoons"


• 30% "Like it makes a difference"


• 5% "I'm reading"
  

Source : Call During Dinner Polls Corp. "Lying Bastards Ignored By Voting Public", June 2008.

The popularity of bottled water has led many cities around the globe to begin piping the wonder liquid directly into the consumer's home. These massive public works programs deliver clean, inexpensive, and healthy water through a "tap" or "faucet", a control device that allows for both temperature and portion control.

Source : Quafina, R. "H2O Boy!" Amazing World Weekly, August 3, 2008.

The first shelves were invented by the ancient peoples of Northern South America and Southern North America. These shelves were made of wood or stone and were mounted vertically on a wall. Archaeologists now believe that the construction and placement of these shelves has been the main cause of ancient artifacts almost always being found in shards.

Source : Nile, Dee. International Geographic Annual, 1988.

Noted mystic Swami Salaamii has been determined by a panel of experts to be the biggest dip currently living. Factors that were included in the judge's decision-making were wacky appearance, dizzy philosophy, and spacey demeanor. The Swami rated so high that many attending felt she created new levels in dippiness. "The woman is an utter dip" remarked scientist Art Affact. "I mean, talking to her is like talking to a wall. Except a wall wouldn't have that simpering smile and stupid expression of hers". The Swami will be awarded a slap upside the head in a ceremony sometime next month.

Source : "Balmy Salaamii Space Case in First Place". Variety Meets, August 22, 2008.

Obscure Measurements

• 1 Truth = 2 Half Truths
• 1 Phone = 1,000,000 microphones
• 100 Hertz = 1 Effinhertz
• 2 MDs = 1 Paradox
• 1/5 Rat Pack = 1 Semi-Davis Jr.
• 1,000 light years = 1 Heavy Year
• 10 Overbytes = 1 Orthobyte

Source : Waite, Penny. Fathom That! : A Treatise on Measure, 1964.

The human eyeball is made up of almost 90% water. By a strange coincidence, it contains exactly the same chemical makeup as ginger ale. Doctors, in emergency situations, have repaired severe optical injuries by employing this vision-saving and refreshing beverage.

Source : Pepper, Dr. Ginger Ale : Mixer, Elixir, and Optical Fixer, 2004.

American daredevil Andy Oxident was the first person to attempt skipping across the North American continent. From his starting point in Maine, Mr. Oxident minced as far as the suburbs of Boston before townspeople began chasing him and threatening his life. Rescued by police constables, he was briefly detained on suspicion of lewd and unnatural behavior. Once freed, Mr. Oxident quickly returned to his Ohio home by train.

Source : Gumm, Frances. "Midwest Invert Assaulted By Alewife Mob" Boston Bee, April 27, 1923.

Angel hair pasta got its name because it was once personally blessed by a member of the clergy. The fine strands were thought to represent the beautiful flowing hair of these mythological divine messengers. The dish, originally only served on Sundays, was served with a tangy sauce of butter, garlic, and cherub flanks.

Source : Bomination, A. Food of the God, 1955.

A task force of leading zoologists are mystified by the recent swarms of shoe kittens. These adorable felines have been appearing in footwear around North America, Europe, and Japan. While not a threat to humans, the kittens have caused the loss of thousands of man-hours. Because the kittens cry when taken from their "homes" workers hesitate to remove the cats from their shoes. The cause of this strange upswing in shoe kittens is unknown, but scientists theorize that global warming may be a factor.

Source : Padrille, S. "Cute to Boot : The Ubiquitous Shoe Kitten" Wing Tip Weekly, July 20, 2008.

Famous First Words

• Da-da
• Kitty
• Ma-ma
• Dammit
• This is the city, Los Angeles California
• Nana
• Boo-Boo
• Up
• Death to the fascist insect that preys on the life of the people
• Uh-Oh

Source : Sendent, Dee. Speech Development in Infants, 1994.

Police in Southeastern Wales are investigating a man who disguises himself as a breast pump in order to fondle women. He is a suspect in more than 70 incidents over a six month period. Witnesses and victims describe his costume as "very convincing" and many were unaware of the ruse until the man finished and ran away. Scotland Yard is advising any new mothers using a breast pump to give the device a vigorous shaking before use. Police have provide the sketch to the left of the suspect.

Source : Allcarrs, Colin. "Yard Abreast of Crime Wave" Cardiff Daily Tabloid, July 31, 2008.

Pinball was an Olympic sport in the 1950s and 60s. The United States and Britain dominated the sport, earning more than 85% of the medals between them. The event was dropped in 1968 when the Olympic Committee discovered most of the athletes were bunking school to practice and attend the Games.

Source : Cade, R. Full Tilt Olympians : the Glory and the Gold, 1979.

The Duchess Mary Annette of the court of Queen Foraday (1722-1773) had 9 toes on each foot. As she was a favorite of the queen, other members of the royal entourage copied her extra-wide footwear. The popularity of this style led to a crippling leather shortage and a great deal of stumbling.

Source : Dactyl, Polly. Fashion Fopperies and Fads, 1983.

The traditional cry of "Fore!" in golf has its origins in the early 1700s. It is a contraction of the Scottish phrase "Fore gawd sakes, will ye hit the friggin' ball!". By the mid to late 1800s Victorian linksmen prudishly shorted the expression to its current state.

Source : Schott, Chip. Golf : Almost a Sport, 1919.

Small decorative lacy mats got their name from Bishop Lucas Doily (1875-1944). Many admired the handsome circular apron that he always wore over his vestments. Pious female followers began to knit smaller versions of the garment for home decoration, naming them after their originator.

Source : Council, Trent O. Curia Curiosities, 1988.

A statue was recently unveiled at the Dixie Baseball Hall of Fame in Fungo, Mississippi. The bronze figure commemorates the accomplishments of the ill-fated Confederate League. Teams from different Southern military units played for recreation during the Civil War. Because of a shortage of equipment these baseball enthusiasts improvised from available materials. Although the games were very popular with the men, the league was short-lived. It is believed that many of the best players did not survive the war.

Source : Bund, Morty. More Than Eight Men Out, 1951.

A man in Maine witnessed what he was sure was a tin pie plate flying through the sky. Air Force officials have now announced it was in fact a genuine UFO. They have presented photographic and forensic evidence which was immediately availible for public inspection. Leading independent UFO researchers believe the government is trying to mislead them. "There is vast conspiracy afoot to discredit the authenticity of the pie plate." stated researcher Ann Dorian. "The government's tradition of misinformation in this area speaks for itself".

Source : Well, Roz. "Pie in the Sky?" Out There Magazine, April 2008.

Scientists at the Psychoceramic Foundation announced that psychic powers absolutely do not exist. Those who claim to see the future are in fact in contact with confederates in time zones to their east. Because it will always be later in an eastern time zone the day's events have already occurred there. What appears to be prophecy or premonition are simply relays of events of the near past from the Far East.

Source : Mancy, Theo. "They Knew They Would Fail" Science Creation, Oct 2007.