Television Programs From Around the Globe

• I'm a Murderer, She Confessed -United States
• Mime Shaft - France/Algeria
• That's Blasphemous! - Iran
• Fatherly Leader Knows Best - North Korea
• The Duke of Patty Show - Great Britain
• Sing Along With Wilhelm - East Germany
• Rin Tin in a Tin - South Korea
• The Dukes of La Pazz -Bolivia
• Lappy Days - Finland

Source : Booke, Rita. TeeVee Guide's Big Guide o' TeeVee, 1998.

A wave of mysterious deforestation has been occurring in the Northsouth over the last decade. Investigators from the Department of Agriculture have only recently discovered that carpenter ants have mutated to better adapt to their environment. Due to more effective chemical sprays used in buildings, the ants have been forced into the nations forests. The changes have been remarkable.

The hardy insects have begun to use tools to gather their meals and wear clothing. "This is a highly evolved and destructive civilization" remarked Professor Ann Tennor, "but people need not worry. While the ants have attempted to build cities, they always get hungry in the middle of the night and end up eating them."

Source : Teeter, Anne. "Mutant Ant Can't Supplant" Exoskeleton Quarterly, Summer 2009.

It was 1939 when Timely Magazine first sponsored their now-famous Homeliest Couple in America contest. In those conservative times the event was considered quite controversial. Religious leaders felt it was mocking their various gods, in whose image the human race was created. The opposition eventually crumbled when each clergyman began arguing the unattractive contestants resembled the other's gods. Timely was thrilled with all the free publicity and awarded the first ever Homelycoming Crowns to Pete Zahutt and Jill Tidd. The King and Queen each won $50 and had their pictures not published in the magazine's annual swimsuit issue.

Source : Vore, Herb E. "70 Years of Homely Fun" Timely Magazine, April 3, 2009

General Paul Troon (1733-1804) was the only American soldier to survive the deadly Battle of Fanny Hill. He was hailed as a great hero upon his return to Boston. Recent scholarly research has discovered that he in fact betrayed his men to the British and hid behind a tree during the subsequent massacre. After the war he became wealthy when he wrote a best selling book on battle. In 2005, officials in several New England states moved monuments honoring the general behind various foliage. General Troon was also officially declared a lying scumbag by the Massachusetts legislature.

Source : Whigg, Whalter. Calling the Kettle Black, 2008.

In 1928 the small farming town of Mortling, Alabama was overrun by hundreds of thousands of gophers. A desperate populace exterminated the swarm of rodents with explosives and poison. This combination of weapons was the catalyst for an unforeseen situation. While the explosives killed all the fuzzy rodents, the poison caused mutations and made a fair percentage return from the dead. Zombie gophers have plagued the area ever since. The ghoulish animals feast used to feed on the flesh of livestock. Since the 1970s they have just lurched around the parking lot of the town's KFC.

Source : Tolstoy, Leo. "Ghoulish Gophers Go Ga-Ga" Pravda, October 29, 1940.

Archaeologists excavating in the Middle East have unearthed a new biblical scroll. According to scholars who have seen the artifact, it will add greatly to a more complete understanding of certain religious matters. One of the most startling is the revelation that Jonah was a duck. A mallard of some sort.

Source : Cular, Pia. For Goodness Sake, He's a Drake, 2009.

Carbonated beverages have been found to have many previously unrealized health benefits. A scientific report released yesterday revealed that drinking soda cures and/or prevents a number of major illnesses. A daily glass of root beer dropped rates of koro by nearly half. Mange sufferers should both drink and bathe in orange soda at least three times a week. Suffer from Jumping Frenchmen of Maine Disorder? Birch Beer every day will keep you grounded. Diet sodas, on the other hand, transmit the taste of death itself and will lead to an early grave.

Source : Seltzer, Alfred K. "Fizzy Drink Health Link" Carbon Nation, March 2009.

Olives are used as currency on the remote island nation of Drupe. Black olives are valued more than green ones, especially if the latter contains a pimento. Pitted olives of either kind are worth more than those containing pits. The Drupe Stock Market trades daily and is known for it's delicious exchange rate with the Yen, Euro, and the Little Tiny Pickle.

Source : Birr, Kip. "Endocarp Economics", Business Weak, October 2007.

Odd hats were a sign of sexuality in the Victorian era. The custom was more ludicrous the hat, the more adventurous the wearer. In that repressed time it was a way for more amorous citizens to express themselves and attract suitors. The trend faded from popularity after the First World War, when hair washing and public promiscuity became more commonplace. Plus, people realized such hats were not in fact attractive.

Source : Fe, Dora. Wanton a Hat : Victorian Headwear and Social Order, 1983.

The British inventor Edward Ian Age (1852-1907) is credited with creating the traditional Nasty British Lunch. What is not as well known is that he went quite mad in his later years and was often seen ingesting anything within his reach. In the summertime he was often seen in Russell Square chewing on an ivory hand fan. American tourists often approached him in hopes obtaining advice on where to dine.

Source : Chip O'Lata. Boil It! : A History of British Cooking, 1988.

Cat Food Flavors For Real Cats!

• Small Flightless Bird
• Tormented Mouse
• Lip-Smackin' Spiders
• Unguarded Thawing Hamburger
• Table Tidbits from the Kids
• Hairball Formula Grass Bits

Source : Product List. Clowder Cat Food Company, 2008.

Upbeat Magazine's Best Unsigned Bands of 2008

• Peter, Paul, and Mary Kate & Ashley
• The Donkees
• The Four Nications
• Up Yours With People
• Billy Joel Steinberg
• The 5 Entens
  

Source : Nody, Moe. Upbeat Magazine, October 2008.

The Librarian's American Library Alliance has issued a warning to all libraries to immediately discontinue subscriptions to Linn's Stamp News and cancel standing orders for Scott's Stamp Catalogs. The organization alerts all members that philately will get you nowhere.

Source : Bromania, Tim. " Stamps Cancelled" L.A.L.A. Hotline, November 10, 2008.

Officials at Catflap University announced the opening of the first ever School of the Annoying Arts. The new department will offer undergraduate and graduate degrees in this exciting new academic field. "The Annoying Arts consist of activities that require a degree of skill and talent, yet yield a result that few people desire to own or experience" said the school's dean Dwayne Inspane. The school offers majors in the following Annoying Arts:

• Calligraphy
• Community Chorus
• Scrapbooking
• Macrame
• Stenciling
• Interpretive Dance
• Tie Dye
• Riverdance
• Face Painting
• Rubber Stamping

There are already over 500 grandmas, aging hippies, and other "crafty" types enrolled. A university spokesman stated that the new programs should ensure a steady supply of Annoying Artists for community centers, craft fairs, and dance studios for the entire region. All citizens will now have access to a steady supply of lousy Christmas gifts and irritating performances.

Source : Dapple, Roe. "Local University Goes Downhill Again" Catflap Daily News, Summer, 2008.

Vintage Pictures of Unintended Amusement

Source : Clippe, Art. The Hidden Messages of Victorian Advertising or Stop Giggling You Immature Ninny, 1962.

The Language of Flowers

• You have an ugly lawn - Dandelion
• What's up? - Tiger lily
• My heart is racing - Foxglove
• He looks so peaceful - Lily
• We love Great Leader - Kimsungilia
• Build me up - Buttercup

Source : Bana, Ike. Blooming Nonsense, 1988.

The religious novel "God's Silla" was written without using the letters "E", "A", or "S". It is the only book written in America to ever make this remarkable claim. The author, Mee Sub Pah, achieved this feat by writing the entire book in Chinese while visiting friends in California. The book became a bestseller in his native country. Upon returning to China, the author went on to have a long and successful career creating these literary curiosities.

Source : Jak, Hi Lo. Lipogram Li Po, 1939.

Major Philosophical Debates of the the 20th Century

• Why do fools fall in love?
• Who put the bomp in the bomp, bomp, bomp?
• What kind of fool am I?
• Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
• Who wrote the book of love?
• Hey good lookin', what'cha got cookin'?
• Who are you? Who? Who?
• What's new pussycat?
• Baby, Baby, where did our love go?
• Will you still love me tomorrow?
• What'd I say? Tell me, what'd I say?
• Who will the next fool be?

Source : Witchet, Carrie. Rhetorical Historical, 2003

The threat of shoe kittens has been overtaken by an even greater calamity. Many countries are reporting swarms of wild Hat Cats within their borders. These fuzzy visitors nest in people's hats and hat boxes. They then proceed to purr and shed vigorously. Removing the feline fedora filchers is a tricky business as their adorableness causes victims to take photographs rather than eject the cat from the hat. Business leaders report an increase in lateness and hatlessness among their workers.

Source : Ghora, Anne. "Scat That Hat Cat!" Journal of Cats and Economics, August 2008.

The candy corn harvest takes place from late September into early October. Farmers bring this perennial Fall favorite to market after picking, husking, and shelling the hardy ears from the fields. The tender stalks are saved and used as winter food for chocolate Easter bunnies. Almost all of the candy corn crop is bagged and sold as a snack. In candy corn farm country though, some old timers still enjoy an ear of candy corn on the cob.

Source : Lenta, Paul. Candy Cornucopia, 1988.