Lesser Known Nursery Rhymes

Viola, Viola

Ride your gondola

Sail it away to Angola

Don't come back

It's ebola

One two eat fondue

Three four eat some more

Five six drop your sticks

Seven eight drop your plate

Nine ten eat again

Granny baked zucchini bread

Gave a slice to Tiny Ted

He fed it to the pig instead

Now that pig is very dead

Source : Mack, Mary. More Mother Goosed, 1963.

The world's youngest murderer was young Bella Donna Sepsin (1903-1918). Little Bella killed her entire family with a tray of cyanide laced muffins. Authorities were initially divided as to intent. The child admitted she used an almond-scented flavoring when she baked the treats. She was less clear on why she bypassed the extracts at hand in the kitchen and instead used a bottle from the shed with a skull and crossbones on it. Freed on bail to her grandparents, Bella sealed her fate with an ill-timed bake sale to raise money for her defense that killed an additional three people. After a lengthy trial, Bella Donna Sepsin died of chronic puberty while in custardy.

Source : Thrax, Anne. Baked Bads, 1939.

A recent poll revealed mass indifference to the upcoming United States presidental election. Voters do not care and are bored with television stations wasting valuable cartoon and sports time analyzing what is felt to be a pointless waste of time and money. Broken down, citizens responded with the following comments:

• 40% "Who cares?"


• 20% "I'm watching the game"
  
• 15% "I'm watching cartoons"


• 30% "Like it makes a difference"


• 5% "I'm reading"
  

Source : Call During Dinner Polls Corp. "Lying Bastards Ignored By Voting Public", June 2008.

The popularity of bottled water has led many cities around the globe to begin piping the wonder liquid directly into the consumer's home. These massive public works programs deliver clean, inexpensive, and healthy water through a "tap" or "faucet", a control device that allows for both temperature and portion control.

Source : Quafina, R. "H2O Boy!" Amazing World Weekly, August 3, 2008.

The first shelves were invented by the ancient peoples of Northern South America and Southern North America. These shelves were made of wood or stone and were mounted vertically on a wall. Archaeologists now believe that the construction and placement of these shelves has been the main cause of ancient artifacts almost always being found in shards.

Source : Nile, Dee. International Geographic Annual, 1988.

Noted mystic Swami Salaamii has been determined by a panel of experts to be the biggest dip currently living. Factors that were included in the judge's decision-making were wacky appearance, dizzy philosophy, and spacey demeanor. The Swami rated so high that many attending felt she created new levels in dippiness. "The woman is an utter dip" remarked scientist Art Affact. "I mean, talking to her is like talking to a wall. Except a wall wouldn't have that simpering smile and stupid expression of hers". The Swami will be awarded a slap upside the head in a ceremony sometime next month.

Source : "Balmy Salaamii Space Case in First Place". Variety Meets, August 22, 2008.

Obscure Measurements

• 1 Truth = 2 Half Truths
• 1 Phone = 1,000,000 microphones
• 100 Hertz = 1 Effinhertz
• 2 MDs = 1 Paradox
• 1/5 Rat Pack = 1 Semi-Davis Jr.
• 1,000 light years = 1 Heavy Year
• 10 Overbytes = 1 Orthobyte

Source : Waite, Penny. Fathom That! : A Treatise on Measure, 1964.

The human eyeball is made up of almost 90% water. By a strange coincidence, it contains exactly the same chemical makeup as ginger ale. Doctors, in emergency situations, have repaired severe optical injuries by employing this vision-saving and refreshing beverage.

Source : Pepper, Dr. Ginger Ale : Mixer, Elixir, and Optical Fixer, 2004.

American daredevil Andy Oxident was the first person to attempt skipping across the North American continent. From his starting point in Maine, Mr. Oxident minced as far as the suburbs of Boston before townspeople began chasing him and threatening his life. Rescued by police constables, he was briefly detained on suspicion of lewd and unnatural behavior. Once freed, Mr. Oxident quickly returned to his Ohio home by train.

Source : Gumm, Frances. "Midwest Invert Assaulted By Alewife Mob" Boston Bee, April 27, 1923.

Angel hair pasta got its name because it was once personally blessed by a member of the clergy. The fine strands were thought to represent the beautiful flowing hair of these mythological divine messengers. The dish, originally only served on Sundays, was served with a tangy sauce of butter, garlic, and cherub flanks.

Source : Bomination, A. Food of the God, 1955.