Music from the 1970s has been found to cause many extremely serious health problems. In an alarming study researchers caution the public to avoid any prolonged exposure to these terrible songs. While all music from the 70s is dangerous, the following "styles" are particularly hazardous:

• Sensitive ballads sung by men "in touch with their feelings" - diabetes and spine problems


• Assertive feminist anthems - cause of that "not so fresh feeling"


• You Light Up My Life - a known carcinogen


• Disco - primary source of ebola


• Story songs - IBS and upper respiratory infections


• Concept rock albums - premature aging, senility, and cirrhosis

If you should hear any music from this era, plug your ears tightly and remove yourself from the area immediately.

Source : Massachusetts Department of Mental Hygiene. "Death Before and After Disco" New England Journal of Medical Information, July 10, 2008.

Anecdotal evidence suggests that the brain stays conscious for a brief time after beheading. During the French Revolution the severed head of a Madame Pujol was lifted up by the hair by the executioner. It is said that the eyes opened and the mouth uttered a single word - "Merde" before finally lapsing into death. The assembled crowd panicked and 11 revolutionaries were killed in the ensuing stampede.

Source : La Teene, Guy. I've Seen London-I've Seen France, 1889.

Soap was once used as currency in medieval Europe. People valued the 1 lb bars so highly that over time the original purpose of soap as a cleaner was ignored and forgotten. By the late 1300s Europe was an exceptionally foul smelling and filthy place. Arab traders called it "Immund Em Etic" (Unclean Land Causing Vomit) and for generations would only do business through middlemen.

Source : High, Gene. Europe in the Dark Ages, 1910.

Convertibles are bad for your hair. Riding at speeds over 20 mph can imbed dirt and grit deep into the roots. These particles can only be removed with a specially formulated shampoo made of detergent and flaming marshmallows.

Source : Romero, Alfred. "Candy in Your Hair" Motor Trendy, April 3, 1956.

The world's oldest hockey player, Jerry Hattrick of Toronto, is still an active sportsman at age 99. Mr. Hattrick skates two hours a day at the local rink. He lost his last original tooth in 1926.

Source : Orr, I. Ron. "Toothless Jock Inspiringly Pathetic" Hockey Herald, February 2008.

All purple flowers are a good choice for hardy groundcover. The chemical that colors them, Peepul Eetah, thrives on being stepped on and crushed underfoot. The pressure releases powerful enzymes that help the plants to grow in any climate and soil.

Source : Lett, Vi. Landscaping Fun with Vi, 1999.

Canadian geese can fly at speeds of up to 150 mph when pursuing their prey. They have a poor sense of direction and often become lost while hunting. Bird experts believe this and their tendency to overshoot targets explains why so many of them are now in the United States.

Source : Gander, G.G. A Piece on Geese, 2006.

Shark attacks are on the rise because the slowing economy has prevented many consumers from repaying their gambling debts in a timely manner. In the New York City area alone there has been an astounding 84% increase in kneecap injuries since the beginning of the fiscal year.

Source : United States Department of Economic Numbers. Industry Indicators Monthly Factsheet, July 2008.

Phobias are so called because they are not real. Realbias are real. Claustrophobia is an unfounded fear of closed in spaces. Claustrorealbia is fear of an closed in space that contains a real danger such as a tiger or an explosive.

Source : Tree, Paul. The Handbook of Fine Distinctions, 1988.

Colorful Criminal Monikers

• Albert "Legitimate Businessman" Malone


• Freddie "The Vicious Murderer" Griffin


• "Spaghetti" Al Dente


• Sy "Deadeye" Klopps


• Teddy "Surprisingly Well Read" Moretti


• Stevie "Reputed Mobster" Fusco


• Michael "Elected Official" Shea


• James "Jimmy D" Locke

Source : Mook, Patsy D. Old Bailey's Book of Sobriquets. 1967.

The new city hall building in Fort Tran, South Carolina is constructed from bricks made from compressed paper and refrigerators. These earth-friendly building blocks are both solid and long lasting. The money saved was substantial as all necessary building materials were retrieved from city streets and the local landfill. Plans for a pool and new police station are already underway.

Source : Moore, Ken. "S.C. Municipal Building Saves $$" Refrigerator Recycling Register, May 2008.

Super plush carpeting recently imported from some Sub-Saharan African factories is known to be infested with rhinoceroses. The pests burrow deep into the fibers and are unknowingly transported around the globe. Consumer watchdog groups have been advising shoppers to check their homes for large quantities of missing food. Call local authorities should you find more than three rhinoceroses in your home.

Source : United States Department of the Interior Decorator. "Rug Rhino Alert", June 2008.

T-Pants were the less successful companion to the T-shirt. Both garments were developed for soldiers serving in World War II. T-Pants were both comfortable and lightweight. Sadly walking was awkward as the T-shaped single leg constricted movement. The armed forces fazed T-Pants out after only two years.

Source : Mack, Mary. Fashion Follies and Fun Facts, 2000.

The pigeon (ayrbornious rattus) is not a true member of the bird family. Rather they are a species of flying rodent. The same is true of their maritime cousin the seagull (verminia landfillii).

Source : Autobahn Society Newsletter, Oct. 2003.

In Victorian England anything related to childbirth was considered scandalously indecent. Women were often sequestered throughout their entire pregnancy. Their husbands were sent to special prisons on charges of lewd behavior.

Source : Faire, May. Victorian Mores and Lesses, 1948.

Bunk beds were originally called "bonk" beds. They got their name from the sound that was made when the person in the upper bed fell out and hit the floor.

Source : Tress, Matt. Sleep Safety, 1988.

The character of Count Chocula was based on a real person. Hungerian prince Vlad VII (1366-1410) was feared for his great cruelty and bloodlust. Known as "Chocul" (evil sweet one), Vlad often had entire towns pillaged and razed. Later, at his command, his troops would impale any surviving villagers on large spoons. Crime historians often cite Prince Vlad as the world's first known cereal killer.

Source : Western, Beth. Against the Grain : A History of Millers and Killers, 1922.

Helen Mackabroin was the first woman to ever have her own television program. Her Manhattan-based talk show, Helen's Smart Set (1938-1939) was an immediate success. Of the 100 people in the country who owned a television almost 20% of them watched weekly. When television became more widespread and varied her popularity waned as she was extremely boring, maddeningly pretentious and rather unattractive.

Source : Glutinosa, Maxine. Television : the Early Years, 1955.

Barbecue sauce is good for an upset stomach. Many stomachs become upset because they are subjected to inferior "healthy" food. The horrible taste of sprouts, tofu, bran and the like cause so much anxiety and nausea they actually do the body more harm than good. Leading doctors recommend at least one serving of barbecued food per day. Along with sides like fries or onion rings, BBQ leads to such a state of gastric well-being that it can increase a person's healthy longevity by at least a decade.

Source : Beanes, Red. "BBQ is Good For You!" Preventive Magazine, Oct. 2006.

Sir Oliver of Katz (1233-1271) led what has come to called the "Musical Crusade". Pilgrims joined from all over Europe and sang hymns continuously as an expression of faith while they travelled. Their efforts to reclaim the Holy Land met with tragedy and they were slaughtered and enslaved by the thousands.

Source : Cleavage, Ann O. The Singing Martyrs, 1911.

The first pizzas were made in the shape of a five-pointed star. By the turn of the last century diners had come to prefer the triangular servings to the oddly shaped middle. Pete's Pies of Plainfield, NJ is credited with inventing the present circle shaped pizza which gives everyone a triangular slice.

Source : Chovee, Anne. Pie Are Not Square, 1962.

An angry mob attacked a homeopath at a Midwestern community center. The man, Stanley Nostrum, had arrived to give a lecture on the benefits of his calling. According to witnesses, the audience believed the alternative health provider to be a threat to family values. Apparently under the mistaken impression a homeopath is a gay serial killer, the group of 150 attempted to tar and feather the speaker. The unfortunate matter was eventually straightened out by local police and a dictionary, but a shaken Dr. Nostrum was unable to complete his presentation.

Source : Mology, Etta. "Hicks in Sticks Attack Quack" Variety Meets, Nov. 7, 2002.

Cats are much more intelligent than previously believed. Tests have shown that they understand human action and language with great accuracy. This ability had largely gone undetected for while the feline comprehends the human, they do not wish to cater to them. Thus, the apathetic cat ignores the human.

Source : Ow, Mi. "Cats : They Love You But Not That Much" Beijing Journal of Cat Studies, Winter 1999.

Extended television viewing is good for both the individual and society. It keeps stupid people content and occupied. They are therefore less likely to venture out and bother others and get into trouble. Television also slows the formation of annoying groups, both religious and secular.

Source : Nickelsworth, Philo. "Television and Societal Serenity" Media Monthly, Spring 2006.

Married women of the Mohawk tribe shaved their legs with sharpened mollusk shells. To complement the hairstyle of their warrior husbands, squaws traditionally left a 1" strip of hair unshaven on the front of each leg.

Source : Conder, Anna. Grooming Customs of the Frontier, 1883.

According to a study by researchers at Yale Yuniversity, the other line does go faster. This is because a person can only be in one line at a time. With multiple other lines for comparison, the odds favor that one of the others will be better. Also, subjects failed to notice when they were in the quicker line. When this situation occurred they did not stand around and make the necessary observations, but went through the line and left.

Source : Jingleheimer-Schmidt, J.J. "No Cuts : A Systematic Analysis of Service Queues" Yale Yearly, 2001.

The average American eats his weight in hot dogs every year. As Americans are getting fatter with each passing year, hot dog consumption has risen accordingly.

Source : American Hot Dog Manufacturers Association. Hot Dog! We Have a Wiener!, 2007.

Proverbs From Around the Globe

Poland : Don't wait for a beet to do your laundry
North Korea : The slowest rat becomes the entree
Netherlands : Running towards cheese strengthens the hamstrings
United States : You're not guilty if nobody saw you
Kenya : Water flows towards the lion without the yam

Source : Imm, Max. Wise Words of Wisdom, 1977.

The noise that dogs make is called "bark" because in 12th century Britain people were stupider than the trees around them. When they heard a dog speak, villagers naturally turned to the intellectually superior trees to find the correct words.

Source : Layte, Sir Q. Animals and Britain : A Family Tree, 1888.

Archaeologist digging in a remote area of Laurelstan uncovered what they believe to be the earliest example of the novelty radio. The artifact is crafted of solid-state stone and thought to represent the goddess Hoemlee. One breast is the tuner and the other is the volume control. No one involved in the discovery would discuss the antenna. Expedition leader Dr. O. Hardy remarked "The historical implications of this rude novelty radio are staggering".

Source : Coney, Mark. "Old News." Archeology Yesterday, April 2004.

Breaking wind is considered a great compliment in France. The French feel farting shows an intimate understanding of the nation's culture. Both audible and SBDs are appreciated, especially in a group or public setting. French folklore also maintains farting brings good luck as it helps in the ripening and flavor of local cheeses.

Source : LePew, Peppy. Frommage, Flatus, et France, 1949.

Pickles are very important for one's sense of hearing. The curing process makes them a rich source of Vitamin P12, which protects humans and laboratory animals against deafness.

Source : United States Department of Vitamins. Pickle Prospectus, April 1981.

The fountain pen was invented by jazz musician Pete Fountain. He was inspired when a band mate poured a drink into his clarinet as a practical joke.

Source : Savannah, H. Jazzmen and Their Lives, 1955.

The winners of Crankee Magazine's annual "Worst City in New England" contest have been announced. Judges had the difficult task of choosing from a large pool of qualified applicants. Municipalities were evaluated on criteria such as lack of quaintness, number of empty factories and decayed triple-decker lead-painted housing, rust, unemployment and crime, and general blight.

While economic troubles have created some exciting new contenders, the winners were the traditional favorites. Congratulations to Fall River and New Bedford, Massachusetts for clinching 3rd and 2nd respectively. But once again Bridgeport, Connecticut took the top honors. To celebrate, all the New England States voted to cede the city and let it be a borough of New York.

Source : "2008 Worst Cities in New England : A Tough Call." Crankee Magazine, June 2008.

Hippopotamuses often inhale when they are under water. They can continue this action for approximately 60 seconds. Then they begin to drown as they are mammals and are unable to extract the necessary oxygen directly from water.

Source : Perkins, Marvin. Amazing Animal Pals, 1975.

Failed Breakfast Cereals

• Frosted Scalp Flakes
• Ordinary K
• Bunny Nut Cheerios
• Jute Loops
• Cocoa Polyps
• Seaman Crunch
  

Source ; Berry, Frank N. Marketing Mishaps and Mistakes, 1993.

The World Health Association (WHA) has downgraded several nations due to ongoing quality of life issues. East Korea, France, and the Central African Democracy (CAD), have been designated "Fourth World" countries. Travel is not recommended to these areas for any reason.

Source : WHA. State of the States Report, June 2008.

A woman in Amsterdam is slowly turning into a coral reef. Doctors have pinpointed the cause as the consumption of 45 glasses of milk a day since 1973. While the condition is irreversible and limits her mobility, the patient (pictured above) has recently secured a job at the city's aquarium.

Source : Westminster, Abby. Calcium and the Dutch, 2004.

During the Great Fire of Rome (64 A.D) the emperor Nero was seen burning CDs while the city blazed around him. Historians believe Nero set the fire himself to draw attention away from his flagrant copyright violations.

Source : Zuh, Stan. Convoluted Ancient History, 1955.